My husband is in the top five most hilarious people I have ever met. The reason I say this is because, after years of knowing him, his ridiculous idiosyncrasies are still intriguing to me.
This man is incredibly rational and full of knowledge about everything, and I mean EVERYTHING: so much so that my brother has nicknamed him "Facts."
My Baby Daddy loves infomercials. He loves them so much that he has memorized a few important ones, like ShamWow.
Every time ShamWow comes on, he begins his shtick:
"Try this fuckin' thing. It was developed in Germany. Would ya just try this fuckin' thing? It's German, you fucking Mo."
I don't know why this never stops being hilarious to me. I wiggle around in delight just to hear what profanity will shoot out next.
Another infomercial he LOVES is for a product called PediPaws. In case you have been under a rock for the past five years, PediPaws, like its brother Pedicure, is a little electric dog nail trimmer.
My husband stayed up till 3 a.m. two nights ago doing Internet research on the difference between the two products so that he could make an educated purchase. I could hear the infomercial over and over again in my sleep. I finally had to beg him to put the computer away or I might try to trim his nails during a REM cycle.
A few days went by with no mention of the product research, but I knew it was coming.
Today, I left him alone with the kids and dogs while I ran errands. When I came home, he approached me like a little kid who had seen his first lightning bug, all wide eyed and happy.
"Shh, do you hear that?" he asks
"What are you talking abou..."
"Shh. Listen," he interrupts sticking his finger in the air.
"Ugh! What are you talking about?!" I start to say impatiently as I throw my purse on the chair.
"No more clickety clack, clickety clack. The dogs. I trimmed their nails," Facts says.
"Did you buy a Pediwhatever? Wait.....what did you do?" I ask walking towards the power tools on the kitchen counter. A dog runs past me, silently, with its' tail tucked between its' legs.
"I used the Dremmel! It worked like a charm. They didn't really struggle," he says smiling proudly.
"You used the Dremmel to trim the dogs' nails?! Are you out of your mind?"
Now the important thing to note here is that this is the type of shit my husband is known to do. He loves doctoring great ideas into his own little work of art; this little work of art also has to include the air of danger or it is not worthwhile.
This is the type of stuff I live for. I am crazy about this man for so many reasons. He did the research, he cared about the dog toes and then he decided to Dremmel them instead. The way his mind works makes me giggle to myself for days.
Another thing to mention today, since we are on the subject of dogs, is that I dragged him to see Marley and Me. Now I did not read the book because I really don't care much for that type of writing, but the movie intrigued me for some reason.
Let me just say, this movie was a cheap shot to the heart. "BASTARDS!" I kept screaming in my husbands' ear on the way out of the theatre. There wasn't a dry eye in the house...and I will tell you why (By the way, this might spoil the movie for you):
WHILE THEY ARE PUTTING THE DOG TO SLEEP THEY RUN A FLIPPING MONTAGE.
Oh yeah, this montage was complete with adorable puppy belly flops and tongue baths. I mean, COME ON! What the hell are they thinking?! I actually thought for a second that I was going to let out an audible wail. I hiccuped, snarfed and held back a snot bubble.
My husband shifted uncomfortably in his seat, hand conveniently covering his eyes. I tried to sneak a peek, just a little one, to see if he was crying. Then I figured....aw, just let the man have his privacy. Let him be your strong man. Let him be your Dremmel-carrying, ShamWow man.
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