I have got to tell you about the new dance phenomenon that is taking over THE NATION. It's called Zumba and it makes you feel like Charo on crystal meth.
This morning, my friend Claudia and I went to our weekly Zumba session.
Our instructor's name is Eva...and let me just add that Eva is tight (and I say this as I high-five myself). Yes, I have a girl crush.
If you do not know what a girl crush is, let me specify.
A girl crush is:
- fun and exciting
- based on wanting to emulate or evoke the characteristics of another female
- appreciation of another woman's body, but not in a sexual way...I think
- the constant imagining of slumber parties with the female, doing each other's makeup and hair, giggling and sharing life-changing stories.
What a girl crush is not:
- a lesbian infatuation....I think.
So Eva is a goddess. Pretty sure she has NO clue who I am...but she is magical. Claudia and I sit mesmerized in wonder. How can a woman be so sexy? How does one shimmy and shake like that? Does she have a microchip? Where can I get said microchip?
Claudia managed to whisper, somewhere during the samba, that this woman has kids. Her myspace page (yes, we cyber stalked her) says that she is a proud parent. This to me seems like a complete tragedy to my self-esteem. There is no jello in her jiggler. There is no bounce to the ounce. There is no cushion for the pushin', whereas I have plenty. Why has God forsaken me? I turn to Claudia and say, over and over again, "SHE HAS A CHIHUAHUA. SHE IS THE PROUD PARENT OF A CHIHUAHUA." This statement seems to please Claudia and I begin to imagine Eva dressing up her doggie in a little sweater and matching booties. No, I will not lose faith today.
I have to make a conscious effort at not crushing on females. It always ends up badly; they move to a different gym, get married or go and get chubby on me.
I love weenie, and specifically my husband's weenie. The thought of a vacation to Latin America is not an option, Eva. End of story....cha cha cha.
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