Big Bear Balls

Dearest Readers,

I am sitting here in a hotel room in Big Bear California at 2:33 A.M. writing a blog for several reasons.

This deserves Roman Numerals.

I. There are bugs in my bed. No really. There are little teeny, tiny critters burrowing into my skin.

There is itching and scratching involved...and I am worried that it might fuck up my weave.

II. It's beautiful here...gorgeous lake, trees, fresh air. What they forget to tell you in the brochures is that it is full of LA people. And I don't like LA people....as a matter of fact, I am so pissed off right now that I am going to drop another expletive: FUCK LA.

III. You know what kinda sucks?

When you arrive at your hotel with two little children that can barely pee on their own and haven't been out of a car for three hours and there is a line to check in about a mile long. Hey, shit happens.

IV. The elevator is broken and we are on the 4th Floor. The stair well is the best way to get to and fro .

V. Wait for it...THE STAIRWELL IS PACKED like a Mexican autobus with all sorts of people trying to roll their luggage up several flights of stairs.

VI. These people are all from LA so they will take a toddler out just to move up two steps.

VII. Don't try walking anywhere because LA people don't walk. I mean, why the hell would anyone want to walk around a beautiful lake in the middle of the woods? You know what I think? I think fresh air is bad for you...the oxygen makes you age faster. I think it is best to stay in your giant, climate controlled vehicle.

VIII. They will hit you, or honk at you, or yell at you if they see you walking. It seemed like such a quaint town. Figured we'd take the kids for a nice walk to get pizza. Yeah, no.

IX. Do you know what hospitaliano means? Yeah, neither do Big Bearians.

X. A lizard crawled into my backpack. While this might be a "Aw, that's cool!" type of thing, it pisses me off even more. Everything is now pissing me off.

Bear Balls. Big Giant, Hairy Bear Balls.

Now I will go sleep in my chair.